“But it flew away from her reach and the bullets catch in her teeth”

Dates… so many important dates that have pasted since starting this blog.
Today is different.  I feel the need to write. So bare with me. I just want fast forward in the story…………

At the start of the new year I had given myself a month. And give up for good.

January 26th 2012

Typical Thursday, woke up at 5 running late to work as usual and by late I mean not clocking in 15 minutes early. The weather was about the same as today a  Louisiana January day. It was close to 2pm. Thinking: COME ON 2:30!!!!! TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!

I remember it like yesterday, (Just like the phone call in 2000)

Got up from my desk and walked as fast as could to the bathroom shaking, stood in front of the mirror like I had stood in front of a picture so many times before. Cried…….. As if that would change the past and make it not seem real. I’d always knew the day could possibly come……

January 26th 2012 was the day I found out she was real and only 12 years too late! 

#1 saddest and happiest day of my life.

How both????  Because there is STILL more to come… even 3 years later..

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”
                   Walt Disney

Demons

A new year. Hope I’ll be able to write more. Time seems to go so fast . Everyday life makes it go by so fast. Maybe that’s why the search took 12 years. Anyway,  I found this and thought I’d share. Seems pretty fitting in life right now. 😉

“I fear the end is near. The Demons are winning, it won’t be long now. They’re conquering the war.      

Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault but, who am I to blame?  Just a girl who daydreams, that’s what you’d always say. I’ll always remember the good times,  the time demons kept away.

Oh how wish, I wish they knew. Two little boys. Only one will know, the demons because they always show. Over time he’ll come to understand.  

Irony is setting in. hate losing you the same way. I’m dreading the day but, It’ll be beautiful in a wonderful way. There will be No more suffering there will be No more pain. She’ll be waiting for you along with rest you’ve lost along the way. She will tell you the last thing you heard her say “I Love you”. They never ment to hurt you in any way or cause the demons to come your way.”

—- Anonymous

“Every time she closed her eyes”

OVER THE YEARS;

Hundreds of times, if you ask my dad. Thats how many times he’s probably told me. Pretty sure thats how many times I’ve told it over the years. The first time I heard it will always be unknown.  Everytime he’d tell it I would listen for some new detail. Something that I could use in the search.

This part, (the timeline) came from the memory of a 6 year old lil boy.

As many times as I’ve heard this I could quote him word for word.

(The details leading up to the last time Fred and Lauren last saw their mom and dad are unknown like, where they lived before moving  back to San Antonio, when Nancy and Edwin got divorced.)

“The last time I saw my mother I was 6 years old” is how it always started.

“She was crying and said “I have to go”.

My dad and Aunt Lauren moved to San Antonio with Nancy in roughly 1956. They lived with (we thought) her mom and dad. How long they lived there is unknown and where Edwin lived is also unknown.

“I remember looking out the window and both Lauren and I were crying”

During the time they lived there.

“I remember she had a sister, her nickname was Squeaky (because her voice was squeaky)” I would ALWAYS ask if he could remember anything else about the sister. NOTHING besides she was nice. His grandfather on the hand was not so nice.

(During the 1950’s they really didn’t know what caused Polio.) Fred and Lauren were “whipped” <——–( a nice term) for touching plants in the yard.

He also remembered that there was several other small children that lived with them.

However long the stay with Nancy parents was felt like an eternity……….

But one day……

He noticed a familiar truck pull up in the driveway.

"The happiest day of my life"

Edwin's father "Bud" and Edwin's little brother Gene came to pick them up and bring them back to Louisiana to live with them. The two of them went back with just the clothes on their backs.

(It is assumed that Nancy's Parents telephoned the Griffins and told them to come get Lauren and Fred)

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“And Dreamed of para-para paradise”

The last entry was short and sweet. August the 22nd came fast and I wanted to make sure I posted something on her Birthday to celebrate. There was a lot I need to add to it.

TIME:

Although I will never remember when my dad told me about his parents. I will always remember the pain in his eyes everytime he would tell me the last time he saw both of them.

Nancy Lee Ryan;

Pre 2012 this was all we knew;
She lived in San Antonio with her parents. Her grandparents lived next door.

James Edwin Griffin;

James “Edwin” Griffin was born and raised in rural Louisiana. He was one of 6 children born to William “bud” and Theodocia “Docia”. He served in the Navy during WWII and the Korean War.

James Frederick Griffin

Was born June 8th 1950 to Nancy Lee Ryan Griffin (18) and James “Edwin” Griffin (26) in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Lauren Laverne Griffin

Was born September 4th 1952 in San Antonio, Texas.

All that is known;

At one point in time Edwin, Nancy, “Fred”, and Lauren live in Alabama, Louisiana and possibly Texas………

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“So she ran away in her sleep”

August 22. A day in the hottest month of the year.  Since the time I was 15 I’ve made a mental note to remember this day.

What is REAL?

How do you know if something is real? Do have to touch? feel it? Is it an idea? A thought?
2011 I found myself asking this more and more. 2012 I found the answer.

TRUTH

Like I’ve said before,  I can’t remember the first time I found out about my dads parents or the 1st time I laid eyes on her photograph.

Nancy Lee Ryan born 8-22-1931 to Charles and Sylvia Ryan. In the beginning of the search all I knew was her maiden name and that she was from San Antonio, Texas.

Not much to go by, especially using a 1996 Packard Bell with Dial-up internet in 2000………..

“But it flew away from her reach”

The Tree

The storm from last night reminds me of how life was during the divorce. It happened so fast and afterwards life was Beautiful.

AFTER the storm;

Of course,  being the daddy’s girl I am, I went to live with him and his girlfriend. Stayed with my mom on the weekends.

I finished 5th grade at the same elementary school I went to my whole life. Got off the bus at a babysitters. (Ironic that her 14 year-old grandson who in my 11 year-old mind thought was “cute” would one become the LOVE of my life.) Waited for my dad to pick me up every day until the school year was over.

We lived in the country….. a place where my imagination was endless. Especially being a tom-girl.

This is where my family grew. My dad’s girlfriend (Beverly) had a son before we came into the picture (Nick), he became my little brother.

As time went on we began to not see my dad’s Great Aunts, Uncles, and Sister Lauren as much. Eventually over time the visit became less and less.

After a couple of years, like most things do grow over time. I became a “pre teen” and was hard to live with. I couldn’t get along with Beverly as much as I used to. So we moved back to our house where I grew up.

I continued to go to the school where Beverly lived. I would catch the bus where my dad worked.

BACK TO MEMORIES;

I still have no actual memory of when my dad told me about his parents. I have found proof that I knew about her in 1996. (What all knew, I have no idea.)
I’ve always been a hoarder of things I think have sentimental value.  In March 3, 2012 while going through a shoe box labeled “notes 1996-1997 I came across this note paper. I would’ve been 12 when it was written.

As soon as I found it. My mind RUSHED with “WHAT IF’S”…………….

“She expected the world”

Memories;

Its amazing how a smell, voice, or a song can bring thousands of memories.

My first memories are very vivid, before the divorce. I can remember holding 2 different baby bottles. 1980’s 1 pink and 1 blue oval shaped hollow in the middle kinda like handles. I’ve NEVER seen a photograph of these. My mom and dad have confirmed that they both existed.

(under the age of 1) we had a “pet” Deer. After my Aunt Lauren mentioned it to a Wildlife and Fisheries agent while cutting his hair, picked him up and brought him zoo. I can remember him running behind the couch and me peeking around it to see him. (Still not sure why he was in the house) Only in Louisiana.

FAVORITE memory of my dad is when I was about 4 years old. While at one his cousins parties we danced to “Stand by me” by Ben E. King.

MEMORIES Before the Divorce;

           As an “only” child I was VERY shy, spoiled, VERY A.D.D (which went undiagnosed until the age of 25). Made somewhat average grades at that time.  I have always been a daddy’s girl. Walked like him, talked like him, very hard headed and stubborn like him. My parents weren’t rich, we only ate out on special occasion usually when my dads family came to town. I could only remember a few of vacations that did not include visiting my mom’s siblings and her mom in South Carolina.

The only other family aside from My siblings living nearby was my Dad’s sister Aunt Lauren. They looked like a scientific experiment gone wrong! Same parents.  Fred (my dad) is 6’6. Aunt Lauren on the other hand was like 5’4. Ha! She was Beautiful inside and out! Always smiling. The type of smile that could light up a room. She gave me my first haircut. Pierced my ears. I can still hear her laugh…………… and see her smile.
SHE LOVED and lived for her Boys; Anthony and Jeff (Mike will come later). It was always a plus to have BIG cousins being there to beat up anyone messing with you.

Before I was born.

1984 Picture: right to left;  GG(my mom and me), Aunt Lauren, Jeff, Anthony, Shelly, Fred (my dad)

We always had a close relationship  with my Dad’s Aunts and Uncles. Audrey and Wilmer / Deadra and Ray lived in New Orleans. Billie and Pat lived in Texas. And Gene in California. And Cousin Hayden in Marksville, Louisiana.  Visiting with them as much as possible.

Sometimes my memory has failed me. I have tried so hard to remember when they told me or if it was unspoken truth  that I’ve always only had one grandparent (my mom’s mother).
I have found the first write words of the realization after the divorce……..

 

“When she was just a girl…..”

One date. November 6th. That is all you need to know about how my life began. James F. Griffin  “Fred” and Glenda D. Walker “GG” married November 6th 1982. I was born (the Only Child between them) November 6th 1984, the two of them Divorced November 6th 1995. Yep, that’s right 666….they Divorced on my birthday. I’m the “baby” “only child”,Yet I have a lil brother too. My oldest brother (mom’s son) is 20 years older than me. In every family gathering (Mom’s side) I always had to take pictures with the Grandchildren because I’m the same age as most of them (excluding my children)…
I have 2 brothers Ted (20 years older), Kevin (12 years older) and 1 sister Wynee (17 years older) from my mom.
1 sister Shelly (10 years older) and 1 “adopted” lil brother Nick (10 years younger) from my dad
All of which have Dark hair. Me on the other hand, look just like my Dad’s mother…….

Growing up in the Brady Bunch or Yours Mine and Ours was normal to me. I saw my mom’s bunch all the time. But when my sister (Shelly) from my dad came to visit (I only have a few memories) was my favorite. (10 years older than me) she is/was So beautiful and brilliant —- literally.; Maybe it was the only few memories I have of her that I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could or because we shared the same dad. Most of my childhood is a blur. Most of it I blocked (because of the divorce). I vaguely remember my Mom's Mom.  I can honestly say I "met" her maybe 12 times my entire life.  When she passed away at the age of 92 in 2004 I remember crying standing at her casket because I didn't really know her the way most people know a grandparent. Something I ALWAYS wanted/needed…<3…………